Do I comprise a list to show how sin filled my life was, how hard my heart, so that you realize how much of an impact God has had in me?
Do I build up the parts in my life where I was a victim, to build your sympathy so you'll understand why I turned so freely into a life of sin?
Do I relate the wonder of my innocent, happy childhood and then tell the staggering end of that childhood in one quick sentence... how I was suddenly plunged into the darkness of cancer, alcohol and rape?
Do I go into the details of how death crept in and stole my beautiful mother... how alcohol numbed my family... how there was no-one to turn to when I was raped?
Do I admit that I indulged in shameful things because I decided it made no difference?
If God was real, to me, He was nothing more than a mad scientist that was standing back, waiting to see how long it would take us to destroy ourselves. It never crossed my mind to seek Him... I 'knew' He was unreachable if He was even there. (Didn't I have lofty knowledge as a teenager?)
Do I talk about my foolish decision to marry at 17? About the longing I had for a child... someone I could freely pour my love into? Should I confess that I actually prayed to the God that I refused to admit existed, asking Him for a child? And should I further confess that He answered my prayer that very day, yet I offered no thanks till three years later?
Do I discuss the devastation of a marriage gone bad? Do I share the private horrors of its demise?
Is it fair to say that the only reason I was not divorced was because when it came down to it I learned that divorce was one thing my husband believed was wrong... much to my astonishment?
Do I divulge that I was raped yet again and consequently buried myself away... physically and emotionally? Should I mention that the only love and softness that touched my heart was my daughter? How I lived as a roommate with my husband for 2 years... devoid of feeling except for the occasional flare up of anger...
Does it suffice to say that I was a victim, I was confused, I was afraid, I was angry, I was a first rate sinner?
I was a prisoner of my own making and had no clue how to escape.
The Holy Spirit came and began to make my heart mournful. With all the needs of my life, the one overriding, all consuming need I had was forgiveness. Not just for one or two particular sins... but who I was at the very core. Every other need paled in comparison.
The night I bowed my heart, my life to Jesus Christ is clearly printed on my memory. It was late, my husband and daughter were asleep and I sat alone in the den.
As I closed my eyes the words came up: "God, if You are real, if Jesus Christ is Your son, if He died for me... I need You, please forgive me. Please take me and... fix me."
When I opened my eyes I was clean. When I opened my eyes I could see... truly see. He is real. He does forgive. He does save.
I was made His. And I can attest to the fact that "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Exuberant in this new found joy and peace, I ran to my husband, woke him up and announced, "I'm saved!!" He opened his eyes, blinked and replied, "that's nice", rolled over and went back to sleep.
Another miracle took place in our home 2 days later when my husband gave himself to the Lord.
I wandered around in the glow of my salvation for a good month before the reality of my prison once again settled in my heart. If God could forgive me and save me, I knew without a doubt that He could free me as well. But would He?
I knew He was intensely concerned about my eternity... but was He concerned about my here and now?
Did He care about my pitiful marriage? Did He care about my fears? Did He care about my day to day battles?
I had so much to learn. Daily I poured over His word seeking Him. I spent hours in prayer each day. And I learned to know His voice.
The things He said to me were astounding, life changing... me changing.
I began to see things... everything, through His eyes... His Word. The world view that I had clung to began to shift and fall. But instead of a sense of loss, I found I was for once standing on firm ground... immovable ground... safe ground.
Slowly a new love for my husband began to dwell in my heart. It was a love unlike any I'd known before. A love that continued regardless of response, one that forgave and moved forward, growing stronger whether I received love in return or not.
It took time for me to know that the Lord was working the same love in the heart of my husband towards me.
God was weaving us together, melding us into one by His love.
Do I need to tell you of the times I plotted disobedience? Of the times I fell short and demanded my own way? Of the times my 'old man' stood up in unrighteous indignation at having been wronged, how my 'self' harbored great sympathy over its own demise?
No... I think not. If you have walked in the Spirit and crucified the flesh then you understand. If you have not, no words will make it clear.
Once I was asked if I was married or happy. It was a rather startling question because it was at the beginning of this miraculously new relationship with my husband. Startled because the question made it clear to me for the first time that I was indeed happily married.
When I smiled and answered the questioner, he sat down and asked "How?"
Can I describe the joy of my heart when he walked away a changed man? The gratitude I knew because Jesus had used me?
I knew then that a good, strong, happy marriage wasn't just important to me and my well being, but is a lovely instrument in the hands of the Savior to call the hearts of men. It is truly a witness that He lives.
My husband today is a godly man. I do not mean merely a good man, but a man that daily walks in the heartbeat of the Father and showers me with His love.
I don't know any better words to describe what God has done in me than to say that I am a new creation in Christ and old things have passed away.
Does that mean that I no longer remember my sins and the sins committed against me? No.
Does it mean that I suffer no consequences due to my choices or the acts of others? No.
What it means is that those things no longer own me. It means that my Father has taken those things and worked them for good in my life. He has redeemed and used them to build the life of Christ in me.
I think often we get sidetracked by doing good/being good. Yet what gain is it to be known as 'a good woman' when we could be known as women in whom is the character, love, compassion... the very Being of God?
I have known the Lord for 23 years and nothing would I trade for it.
I have found my Lord to be all that He claims He is.
He is my Savior, my hiding place. My strength and my peace. My fortress and defense. My Counselor, my hope and my very real help. He is my God, my King and my best friend. He is faithful and True. He is Holy and Just. He is compassionate and all knowing. He is wisdom and knowledge.
He knows the number of hairs on my head... He cares for me.
And if anyone knows anything about me... let it be my Savior they see.
Christ in me is to live... to die is to gain.
Published here in Apr. 2005 but written earlier.